Yeddy, The Honourable Nawab of Loony.

Last evening, there was a fire at Carlton Towers, Bangalore.
Which as all honest men know, houses TGIF.
Which is Thank God It's Friday till the cheque arrives.
At which point it’s Thank God I'm with rich Friends.

In any case, this is not about TGIF.
That their Chicken Wings Suck To High Heavens, also not.
Let's take a deep breath of the stale, beery air in the place and retrospect.
(Oh, ouch, many headaches.)

Many moons ago (as all horror stories begin),
a scheming developer hits upon what schemers hit upon, a scheme.
Prime land. Close to airport. Commercial complex. Tons of money.
Till here, it's still a scheme.
Which does not make the developer a schemer.

So here’s where.
Screw setbacks, he tells the architect, let's have more sq.ft. to sell.
The architect thinks about the new car he wants.
He thinks about stepping out of it in front of the office.
And nods vigourously.
So vigourously, that his hands shake and the foundation gets drawn closer to the boundary.
Ah, now. Now we have two schemers.

So they put these plans and much grease into a plastic bag.
And go to the BBMP or whichever MP sanctions plans.
Plans go Over The Table. Grease goes UTT.

So up goes a multi-storey building.
With not enough space for fire-tenders to turn or pirouette or do whatever it is that fire-tenders tend to do.
(Fire-tender? I can barely turn my friggin’ jeep there after a few.
And it takes a combination of Gabriel, The Archangel and Gobind, The Security Guard to get me out of this tight, dark corner where pillars seem to sway into my way.)

There are a whole lot of important looking functionaries who come in government vehicles when a building is being constructed.
Their function, is to look the other way.

And thus, a fire hazard is constructed and is ready for occupation.

So, who leased or bought out this office space?
On the higher floors, where people jumped to their deaths?
Why didn’t the managements of these organisations figure that they were walking into a fire-trap?
How did they think they would evacuate people in the event of an accident?
A question even more pertinent when you read that the staircase was barred. On every single floor!

So now, we have many schemers and some irresponsible idiots.
But wait, the list is not done yet.

The primary reason help couldn’t reach on time was because there were tons of rubberneckers parked on the flyover loop and on the adjoining roads.
Which resulted in a dreadful traffic block.
And traffic jams cannot distinguish ambulance from idiotnecker.

I know for sure because I got a call from one of those.
His morbid fascination gene was on orgasmic overdrive.
He could barely articulate his sentences.
"Edare’sFIREnadingonportrd. EeplJUMPINGdowswn.”
Then he cleaned his pants and am sure, called the next contact under ‘T’.

So that’s that.
Many schemers, many idiots, 9 people dead.

Enter, stage left: Yeddy, the Nabob of Plenty (and Loony).
One doesn’t know whether Yeddy’s morbid F gene took him to the site.
But he was quick to share his pain with the bereaved family.
And he was quick to calculate pain as well.
2 lakhs each to the families of the bereaved and 50k to the injured.

What I don’t get is this.
Who allows Yeddy to be so benevolent with the taxpayers’ money?
Or is it that now, with our votes, he thinks he’s not CM but monarch?
With a divine right over the state’s treasury?

Train accidents, fire, flood, bar-room brawls, serial killers’ victims, starvation deaths, genuine lathi charge, not-genuine lathi charge, road accidents, everything is compensated these days.
With immediate effect. And taxpayers’ money.

Like a Sheikh, Yeddy will set out and flash cash to express his sympathies.
Dole out cash that is yours and mine.
All his to dole out and wipe his tears on.

What kind of pathetic solution is this?
A developer cheats, officials cheat, and cheat again.
And the solution is always a dole-out?

Tomorrow again, something like this is bound to happen.
And tomorrow again, we won’t do shit about it.
All that will happen is that Yeddy will ride out in badly-stitched Whites like a mythical Angel of Mercy (but with various masalas on his forehead) and dole out public money again.
So who does this man think he is, some Angel of Mercy in Badly-Stitched Whites?

I know that the money will help the families of the bereaved.
But here’s what I don’t get.
Why does it go out of the taxpayers’ pockets?
When the guys who led to this disaster, are the ones who need to pay?

That besides, what’s with this entire feudal thingy about doling out cash
(never your own, of course) as a gesture of sympathy?
Or empathy, idiothy, whatever.

These days when I see a large pothole, I put stones around it.
(Large = deeper than 6’. XL = depth of average Magic Box Underpass.)
So that some moron riding his bike while messaging on his phone does not fall into it.

Because if he does, the contractor won’t suffer.
The PWD officials won’t suffer.
The guys who run tipper lorries on roads meant for Nanos won’t suffer.
It’s the taxpayer, who always pays.